Taking out the trash

I don't know if I've ever admitted here when I first started buying "a few things" for "the baby". Oh dear, I suspect this is going to be a very grammatically incorrect posts with way too much punctuation. Please don't hold this against me.

It was back in 2002. The mister and I had just decided to (finally) start our family. Our kitten was killed on a holiday weekend and that  got us thinking thinks we should have done much earlier. We'd always wanted kids but the timing never seemed right: we wanted to be financially stable, have solid careers and feel really secure in our relationship. Funny how one speeding driver made us take stock and propel us forward.

I spent the next couple of weeks visiting a good friend (and former boss) in an adorable town in Sweden. I'd been to other parts of Europe before but never Sweden. I'd fallen in lust with a certain Scandinavian pram on my first trip to Denmark and they were still all over the place. There had been a lot of technological advances in strollers since then and I was amazed at every turn.

I nearly bought a pram from a woman I met in Ikea. Seriously. I'm not kidding. It was a gorgeous limited edition Emmaljunga and once you've gone Emma, it's hard to go back. We exchanged info and even talked about shipping it over in a year or so. You know, when I had my first kid. Hahahahahaha.

I didn't buy a pram but I did buy a number of pacifiers or binkies or whatever you like to call them. Swedish binkies were so colorful and fun (much like all the other cool baby gear-no boring black to be found) and fit oh-so-easily into my suitcase. I think I bought a total of 10. I also got some adorable baby spoons.

That was the extent of my baby stash for quite some time. The next thing I added was an whimsical French bib that I bought the day we had our consult with my first local clinic. The evil clinic that I now warn anyone and everyone to stay as far away from as possible. The bib was a gift to the mister, a promise that no matter what those stoopid people said at that heinous clinic, we would be parents one day.

When we had to begin setting up the "nursery" a couple of weeks ago I pulled out my treasure trove. I found the colorful binkies. The bib that was really just a promise from me to the mister. The South African lullabies, shoes and blankets. The Thai silk elephant toy. The tiny baby clothes I bought when I was in the limbo that came to be known as Ectopic Pregnancy #2.

It turns out that even though I hadn't been buying much over the years, it really added up. It has been a lot of years.

And now those binkies sit on the temporary nightstand in the "nursery". It's more than a touch bittersweet because now that I might have a baby sometime soon, I can't use those binkies that held so much promise. BPAs, don't cha know. So I'll have to toss them in the trash.

I'm not quite ready to do that. I wasn't sure why until I began to write this post. Those pacifiers are the only part of my hope chest that I bought when I actually had hope. They are the very last remnants of a life untouched by infertility. I can't even remember what that felt like but I look at the dragonfly pacifier and I know that there was a time before the pain and bitterness.

I'm not the young (hey, it was a few weeks before I turned 37 so I was relatively young - stop laughing) wide-eyed girl who was so ready for the next chapter to begin and so arrogantly filled with the thought of a honeymoon baby. I can replace those binkies with less fun but safer models but what about the girl I was? Am I now stuck with the safer but less colorful self? Will I always be this cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop or something bad to happen? I hope not but it's definitely too soon to tell.

Comments

[thalia]

Oh sweetie what a lovely post. I'm so glad this portmanteau of baby things will finally get some use. I hope soon.

Btw don't be so quick to toss those dummies. Sweden has some good legislation re baby products, and the bit that goes in the babies mouth is most likely silicon anyway, so won't have BPA in. It's the hard polycarbonates you need to worry about. It's worth checking, anyway, before you toss them.

[Katrina]

First, sending you huge hugs, all day, every day.

Don't toss the binkies, even if you don't use them for widdle one, you can put them in a cute little shadow box filled with other important and cute baby things like first outfit, first socks, etc that you won't be able to part with. Take if from your "pack rat when it comes to baby things" scrapbooking friend, you will regret tossing 'em.

[Louise]

Lovely post, and I agree, don't toss anything just yet!

plus, I think the bpa stuff only gets dangerous after repeated washing in the dishwasher or in boiling water...so, you might get at least 1-2 uses out of them ;-)

xxxxx

[Jen]

What a nice post--and I will say that, for me at least, actually getting to use those things you've stashed away, is such a happy, glorious thing, no matter the memories that precede it.

[PBfish]

I've got tears in my eyes, reading this. I fervently hope that you regain that optimism. Crossing my fingers for you, hoping for good things...

[DD]

I had a really hard time deciding what to do with the baby things I had. Keeping them seem to tempt fate that they might never get used; throwing them away may give the impression to karma that I never wanted them in the first place...

Both ideas are highly superstitious, but when it comes to infertility it's impossible to accept everything as science.

[anymommy]

Sigh. Lovely and sad and true. Living has a way of making us safer and more cautious and, maybe (hopefully?) wiser. Your experience is particularly painful, but I've gone into a few things all wide-eyed and innocent and come out the other side a little bruised and battered. Keep your pretty binkies!

[Summer]

You can't throw the binkies away. I like the shadow box idea or how about making them into a mobile? That way if the baby can still "use" them.

[Lynnette]

Ok. Crying in my boxed wine. I remember falling in love with Euro baby items when I was still with my South African ex, vacationing in Germany...talk about still having hope, back then. I think I was 25! (I always say South Africa OWED me...LOL.) I still have all of my hopeful things. They are part of the story for the girls, even though my tastes changed, somewhat. Keep everything. Who knows? Maybe your baby won't even like a binky much, so the BPA-free ones won't be such a big deal. The girls weaned themselves off of the NICU-nurse-induced Soothies at around 3 months. I like the shadow box idea, too. Coming from a former BFA student who made "ART art" out of used Lupron syringes (see blog photo...) that should say a lot...hee hee. God I hope NPL is the one.

p.s. I'm very interested in the SA lullabies...hint hint.

[Amyesq]

It is so amazingly sweet when you finally see your little one using your assorted treasures. Which WILL happen for you - hopefully soon.

[Emily]

My friend, I wouldn't toss those binkies at all but instead find a lovely apothecary type jar with a lid and put them in it to use as a decoration. I think it would be lovely and meaningful. I'm very excited for you that you are now so close.

[crispy creme]

hi there old friend...

i've been mia for awhile with various family drama. i'm so excited to see this update. i will be checking back and looking forward to good news. hope the furry kids are also doing well :-)

[Liana]

Please don't buy into the BPA drama and throw those out! I am a pediatrician and am a telling...no ordering you not to buy into the latest "mommy freak out of the month" issue. And that is where I classify the BPA drama. Z has bottles, binkies and assorted whatnot that I did not throw out in hysteria when the drama ensued last year. I'm an epidemiologist. I believe in data, not drama. And as I always say, the plural of anecdote is NOT data!

My heart is so full hearing about your treasure trove of baby goodies. I am so so wishing, praying, hoping that you will be using the items in the stash very very soon. So don't you dare throw a damn thing away or you will have to deal with me! And you don't want that to happen!!

[chris]

Well, if the city of SF says BPAs aren't safe for sex toys, I don't want them in my pacifiers. We bought Born Free bottles and they're actually quite good--better than AVent, which leak (especially if you let your kid have a bottle way past when they should like, um, some people who will remain nameless).

Actually, it's nearly impossible to find pacifiers that are totally BPA free (not the nipple, but the plastic part that doesn't go in the mouth) so we just didn't worry about it.

I keep asking Katrina for more news, but she doesn't have any. I'm just hoping you have a good time in Vegas because you aren't going anywhere for a long time (hope!).

Hang in there!

[Jan1902]

I SO hear you on this.

You should buy those scientific alphabet letters for the nursery walls, remember you admired them - that must have been at least a year ago. So here's to you adding to your stash that you will be using soon.

[Kimmer]

Wonderful post, understand what you are feeling totally. I never bought my "stash" but I remember the starry eyed optimistic person that I use to be... That girl is definitely gone but replaced with a much stronger person now.

I'm stil way excited for you.

[Lut C.]

You probably will be more cautious, but that doesn't mean less colorful.

[tubeless]

great post. I've not been around your blog in weeks, but I'm catching up now.

I had also bought several binkies for our baby to use, but she insists on still using the style she got from the hospital so the cute bling bling binkies are a no go here. LOL

exciting to read your updates.