Who Do I Sit With In the Lunchroom?

It's kind of strange because I know many of you that are adopting or have chosen to embrace child-free living, think of me as still in treatment. I know I'm cycling in the very near future* but I really don't feel like I'm pursuing treatment. Embryo donation is just such a different path that it just doesn't feel the same at all. I suppose technically I'm "in treatment" but I'm so far down the path it just doesn't fit to say that.

I also think of ED as closer to adoption in some respects. It's definitely NOT adoption and few things get me more riled up than the groups that require home-studies or call it 'embryo adoption' or have any snowflakey thinks associated with them. In fact, I'm so against snow of any sort this year we haven't ventured to any of our usual places to get our snow quota.

I guess I felt this way a little bit with donor eggs but I was much more involved with the larger community of donor eggs back then. I suppose I had more in common with my friends that were cycling with their own eggs than I cared to admit. I'd so successfully moved on and embraced donor eggs that I couldn't relate as easily to those who were at a different place.

When I was at the Donor Egg table, I spent hours and hours on the yellow and pink boards. There was a lot more drama to my cycles. And many more Appletizers. I do miss the Tizers but I think I'll dip into my stash come transfer time.

When I started this blog I thought donor embryos might be the path we took. I had long mostly offline discussions with Wessel (oh how I miss her...and Emily too of course...and Bee and the early DE bloggers) because she was much more in favor of DE than ED and others (insert semi-famous book authors who poo-poo ED without any research to back it up). There wasn't anyone else I knew besides one person IRL who'd done donor embryos and I felt pretty alone.

Now we're pursuing both ED and adoption and I feel pulled in both directions at once. I'm in awe of friends like Bebe who've recently adopted. I'm thrilled beyond belief for my friend who is out of her Holding Pattern and who'll be meeting her son in a couple of weeks. I was hoping to go shopping with the amazing Liana this week as she's in town but she has to actually work this time. I am preparing for my first home study visit next week and perhaps that will make it more real. I also know I'll have to explain to the social worker how we're really not still "in treatment" even though we're preparing for a FET. There's a big adoption table at the cafeteria of infertility and so many of the cool girls are sitting there.**

But ED seems much lonelier. I guess it's partly because not as many people understand it or can relate to it. Even fewer folks write about it. And while it does technically involve treatment (even stirrups) there will only be 2 or 3 visits to the doctor's and no international travel. How can I consider it a cycle when I don't even get to see my favorite asshole of all, the g&d Tertia?

If my kids do come to me through ED will it still feel this lonely? Will there be more of us writing? Will the table fill up some? Or will this all become academic and I just won't care as much?

*Technically I suppose I'm cycling now as I've taken 3 birth control pills. I haven't even come close to killing anyone yet so I'm pretty damn proud of myself. We'll see how long that lasts.

**I was never much for the traditional cool girls as you can probably surmise. Keep in mind I went to a boarding school for geeks so I have a very different definition of cool. Go Unicorns! (As pathetic as that sounds, my high school mascot was indeed the mythical unicorn and our colors were blue and silver. Geeks should not be allowed to make certain decisions. It's just not pretty).

Comments

[Bea]

That's a fascinating point. Embryo donation, somehow, seems to be the path less travelled. A quick check of my blogroll certainly gives this impression. I know more people who use separate egg and sperm donors than who do embryo donation cycles. Embryo donation does seem a trickier area than gamete donation, and adoption gets through on its long history over which time a lot of the ethical kinks have been addressed - successfully or not you can decide - so I guess that's where embryo donation falls through the cracks.

Strange.

I hope it doesn't get too lonely for you.

Bea

[DD]

I've been saving a spot for you. I'm the one who is done cycling...for now, but still has a finger in the embryo pot and reserving the right to change my mind at any flippin moment, not to mention that that I like to dye my hair purple and already have a bio kid.

[Kellie]

I know someone who did embryo donation, but had forgotten she did that until I read your post. We did donor egg, and there are times I forget that too. I think that however we come about our families doesn't really matter in the long run... it is that we have our family.

Good luck.

[Louise]

This is a really interesting topic. My husband and I have discussed embryo "adoption" in the past few months...It is something that will require some more thoughts and prayers on our part.

I found a group in Tennessee that coordinates embryo donation, and even provides the way for an "open" relationship between the genetic parents and intended parents. It is not cheap though, and there's no guarantee it "would work."

I agree that embryo donation is not the same thing as "adoption," however, I think that if I was the one donating embryos (yea- right, ha haa), I would want the prospective parents to have passed a home study, and I would want to know more details about them.

How do you think your social worker will react to your ED plans? I hope that he/she is aware and supportive, and does not confuse it with 'treatment.'

During my home study visit, the only medical questions my social worker asked me were "Are you still pursuing fertility treatments?" and "Are you on any medications right now?" I really don't know what she would have said if I mentioned "embryo adoption." I hope she would have been educated enough to understand and accept it.

Good luck! I am really excited for you guys.

[K&M]

I think some folks throw the label "adoption" onto embryo donation because of the potential and embryo has of becoming a baby. Gamete donation, in and of itself, will never become a child so its a "donation." Just getting eggs will not do a danged thing without sperm, know what I mean? Embryos are already "pre-people" in the snow folks minds and must be adopted. I personally think its a load of horsecrap to have a homestudy for ED...homestudies should be done for living, breathing born people, not the potential of a maybe baby.

[fisher queen]

Such an interesting topic and no time to write (or read as carefully as I'd like)...I think it might be helpful to think of embryo donation as adoption simply because of the biological disconnect that the child might one day feel. It would be helpful to be prepared for that if it ever came up.

Also, the Fighting Unicorns rule. I just envisioned a team of unicorns charging through the mists.

[broken]

Wow. You wrote about exactly the things that I've been thinking about. (wow that was bad grammar)
I am intrisicially "building" an embryo using donor gametes. Donor egg, donor sperm.
I could do straight embryo adoption but it seems no one wants to pick the lesbian couple. I don't have a problem with using donor embryos, just can't get my hand on any, quite honestly.
But I do feel very alone. I spent hours yesterday online searching and searching for other donor egg blogs. Trying so hard to reach out and find a community. It is a very lonely place. I too have friends who are adopting and friends who are doing infertility treatments. Both are so different than what I'm doing. Its not that I don't think my friends get it.......but in a lot of ways.....they don't.
Add in the lesbian card to the mix and I'm out here wandering by myself in no man's land.
I don't know which table to sit at either. But you are more than welcome to sit down next to me and we'll just start a new "cool girls" table.
Rae

[Lut C.]

I was visiting a local IF forum the other day, and read a post from a women who had been on a donor embryo waiting list for two years, and still no sign. I was a bit shocked!

[Pamplemousse]

ED is a rare thing over here. Whatever table you are sitting at, I want to be with you. You just make it cool. Smooches!

[Karen]

Come sit at the DE table, we still have lots in common!

Although DE is more common than ED, I still sometimes feel the same way in infertile circles; most of the people I know have conceived with their own eggs or adopted. It's funny, when I'm with other moms in read life I never think about DE, but I think about it often online because the issues that we discuss and debate (having another, etc.) are just different.

[Amyesq]

Just giggling a little bit at you saying you were involved in the larger community of donor eggs. I don't know why - I am just picturing you sitting and chatting with a bunch of tiny eggs. *snigger*

Ok, I'll grow up now. I never thought about it but now that you mention it, it would definitely be lonely doing ED. There can't be a ton of folks out there doing it and many who are, like you said, are probably very snowflakey. Which puts you, well, kind of in the minority of the minority.

I guess when all else fails, create a table of your own. And knowing you, you'll do quite well at that, thank you very much.

[Krista]

Very interesting post. My husband and I were talking about donating embryo's the other day. We are not in the position of making that decision yet, just playing the hypotheticals. For some reason it does feel a little different that donating a single gamete like an egg or a sperm, even though logically you know it has a very small chance of becoming a person.

I hope there are lots of people sitting at the DE table, I would love to hear their thoughts!

[mellie]

I've always liked the idea of ED. I don't know how it fits with adoption, other than it has a relationship component--the parties contributing the gametes might know eachother (depending on the initial level of donor-ness--egg, sperm, or both contributed by the couple themselves). Donor Embryos were created by two people with the goal of creating a child for themselves, as opposed to donor egg or donor sperm, which is contributed initially to help someone else create a child. There could be full biological siblings out there, but then you could have half siblings with donor gametes as well. So there's a Venn Diagramness to it somewhere!

[Leggy]

Where do I start? I can see why you'd think its lonely over here (we can be a very exclusive club of two, right?), but from my point of view, its a hell of a lot more out there now than there was when I started. (Not to say you have it easy, but its just funny how we're approaching this from different perspectives, different periods in our lives.) When I discovered blogging I felt like an odd duck (in part because I kept so much so close to the vest), but hell, at least it was better than what I'd had before, which was nothing, nada, zippo. Interesting, thoughtful post.

[chris]

Millie, sorry you are feeling alone right now. Email my friend Lori (you've talked to her in the past, right?). She's on bedrest at UNC with her DE baby boy and would love to hear from you.

And if it makes you feel better, I scowled at some visiting Duke fans just for you when I was visiting her the other day on the Hill.

[crispycreme]

right now you're still holding your lunch tray and looking for a seat. that's always a little uncomfortable no matter what. once you finally come and sit down, you're going to find that you fit in at all the tables. lunch is lunch!

you call me anytime if i can help, ok?

xx

[Lnda]

ED is something I have seriously considered and we are on Dr. Moustache's very long waiting list. Or at least we were before he fired us as patients.

I have personally viewed ED as being very akin to adoption. I think you could sit at just about any "table" you want with ED. I think that in time you'll find that the ED table has quite a few people sitting 'round it. :)

[Miss Conception]

I am beyond happy to have found you this morning. It only took me five pages into a google search to find your blog, but I did and I am glad.
I am currently cycling using donor embryos while adopting internationally from China. I doubt I will meet my daughter in China before my hair turns completely gray and I am in a retirement home, but we are persevering nonetheless. My Donor FET will take place sometime within the next couple of weeks and, although I am terrified of another miscarriage and general failure, I am hopeful as well. Good luck to you!

[Briana]

Here is mine:7/3 Prostap7/9 last bcp12/3 AF, we hope. Start pnorygova on CD2. Will be advise when to increase18/3 scan for womb thickness23-26/3 EC aimed.Just a bit different. Just waiting on AF to show up. FX.