It's kind of strange because I know many of you that are adopting or have chosen to embrace child-free living, think of me as still in treatment. I know I'm cycling in the very near future* but I really don't feel like I'm pursuing treatment. Embryo donation is just such a different path that it just doesn't feel the same at all. I suppose technically I'm "in treatment" but I'm so far down the path it just doesn't fit to say that.
I also think of ED as closer to adoption in some respects. It's definitely NOT adoption and few things get me more riled up than the groups that require home-studies or call it 'embryo adoption' or have any snowflakey thinks associated with them. In fact, I'm so against snow of any sort this year we haven't ventured to any of our usual places to get our snow quota.
I guess I felt this way a little bit with donor eggs but I was much more involved with the larger community of donor eggs back then. I suppose I had more in common with my friends that were cycling with their own eggs than I cared to admit. I'd so successfully moved on and embraced donor eggs that I couldn't relate as easily to those who were at a different place.
When I was at the Donor Egg table, I spent hours and hours on the yellow and pink boards. There was a lot more drama to my cycles. And many more Appletizers. I do miss the Tizers but I think I'll dip into my stash come transfer time.
When I started this blog I thought donor embryos might be the path we took. I had long mostly offline discussions with Wessel (oh how I miss her...and Emily too of course...and Bee and the early DE bloggers) because she was much more in favor of DE than ED and others (insert semi-famous book authors who poo-poo ED without any research to back it up). There wasn't anyone else I knew besides one person IRL who'd done donor embryos and I felt pretty alone.
Now we're pursuing both ED and adoption and I feel pulled in both directions at once. I'm in awe of friends like Bebe who've recently adopted. I'm thrilled beyond belief for my friend who is out of her Holding Pattern and who'll be meeting her son in a couple of weeks. I was hoping to go shopping with the amazing Liana this week as she's in town but she has to actually work this time. I am preparing for my first home study visit next week and perhaps that will make it more real. I also know I'll have to explain to the social worker how we're really not still "in treatment" even though we're preparing for a FET. There's a big adoption table at the cafeteria of infertility and so many of the cool girls are sitting there.**
But ED seems much lonelier. I guess it's partly because not as many people understand it or can relate to it. Even fewer folks write about it. And while it does technically involve treatment (even stirrups) there will only be 2 or 3 visits to the doctor's and no international travel. How can I consider it a cycle when I don't even get to see my favorite asshole of all, the g&d Tertia?
If my kids do come to me through ED will it still feel this lonely? Will there be more of us writing? Will the table fill up some? Or will this all become academic and I just won't care as much?
*Technically I suppose I'm cycling now as I've taken 3 birth control pills. I haven't even come close to killing anyone yet so I'm pretty damn proud of myself. We'll see how long that lasts.
**I was never much for the traditional cool girls as you can probably surmise. Keep in mind I went to a boarding school for geeks so I have a very different definition of cool. Go Unicorns! (As pathetic as that sounds, my high school mascot was indeed the mythical unicorn and our colors were blue and silver. Geeks should not be allowed to make certain decisions. It's just not pretty).