Out, damned egg! Out I say!

I can't believe I forgot to title this...

I've thought a lot about posting the last couple of days but just couldn't quite get the words to come out.

I wanted to write something profound and meaningful about the weekend but everything just seems so trite.

I hope Sunday passed as painlessly as possible for all of us still in the trenches. When I think of the Second Sunday in May, I think about all of us who want nothing more than to make it to the other side. I think of the losses, the aching, the pain.

Then I think of my friends like the red-headed momma and other women who lost their moms well before their time. How hard it must be to face that day every year when you've lost your mom and most of the world seems to forget that.

I also think of my friends who are celebrating their first year as a mom and how special that must be to them. The ones like "us" always seem to appreciate it at a deeper level, they don't expect a lot of loot or whine about not getting their perfect day. I hope this club gets bigger and bigger every year and there are fewer of us feeling pain on this particular Sunday.

I was dreading this year a bit, I'll admit it. But it was much easier on me than I expected. Perhaps because we're talking to NPL a lot. Perhaps because I structured my day to achieve success. I'm just going to take what I can get.

On Saturday the mister and I went to one of our favorite brunch places with some of our favorite friends, Pocket and Pita. We lingered on the deck, enjoying our beautiful NorCal weather and wonderful Bloody Martys (like the famous Scottish queen but made with Soju). Pocket is on the evil lupron and definitely feeling the effects. It has been such a long, hard road for them. I must admit I was a bit mean to her and made fun of her for not giving herself those tiny, tiny lupron shots. She's one of the strongest women I know so how can she be so scared of a tiny needle?

After brunch we went stroller shopping. We hit three stores on two sides of the bay and shopped (well, looked) until we dropped. Decisions were made but no credit cards were harmed in the process.

Sunday was a low-key day. We went out for bagels and only stayed out a couple of extra hours. Why?

Well, there is a wonderful flower shop just down the street from the bagel place. They had the most beautiful flowers. Some gorgeous parrot tulips spoke to us and, really, what says SPRING louder than tulips?

Suddenly we found our sweaty, sunburned, baseball-wearing selves with a simple arrangement of colorful tulips on the way to NPL's work (Nice Pregnant Lady - for those who missed my oh-so-suave abbreviation) to surprise her. We missed her by about 5 minutes so we headed to her house. We dropped off the flowers and chatted for a while with NPL and her parents. It was perfect. Just perfect.

It just felt right and although it wasn't planned, it turned out to be exactly how I wanted to spend my day. The mister agreed but is a bit tired of going out to brunch or on a quick errand and getting home hours later. You'd think after 12 years he'd be used to it.

Big thanks to all the suggestions and encouragement to do something for NPL. And to wish her and her mom a Happy Mother's Day. It meant a lot to all of us.

What a long week!

I do apologize for not posting earlier. It has been one looooooong week around here.

Did you know that you can fly without any picture id? Apparently as long as you have a piece of paper with your name on it and are willing to go through secondary security (pat down/no strip search), you can board your flight. Can you tell I found out the hard way on Monday morning?

I did make it back from sunny SoCal and went straight to work. And there was much more work all week. I played a not so fun game of "is millie flying back east for a super short work trip or isn't she". There were six rounds of that game on Tuesday alone. Luckily the decision was finally made late Tuesday night and I got to sleep in my own bed the rest of the week.

There's not a lot else to update. We've talked to the NPL a couple of times this week. She wants to keep us updated on her doctor's appointments (totally her decision). She's interviewed another couple but it didn't go very far. She's feeling tired and needs much more sleep. I worry that her work causes her to be on her feet too much but she says its no problem. The next big monthly meeting is coming up in a couple of weeks and NPL's dad is thinking of coming with her.

Our profile is now complete and heading to the printer! We're wrapping up a photo insert and working on our longer letter. Then we need to put some actual text up on our website (we just have mostly a splash screen currently). I also have a ton of pictures to scan for the photo book that we need to complete in the next week or two. We're making great progress but there's still much to do.

I was talking to my friend Aimee today (so good to catch up with her!) and I realized I'm really not worried. This particular situation will work out or it won't. Aimee asked me about laws here regarding termination of parental rights and I don't know. I don't even care about that.

I do know that I don't want papers signed in the hospital, this situation or another situation. I do know that I am craving an Entrustment Ceremony much more than a baby shower. I do know that I'm coming from a place of hope and openness, not fear and desperation. There has been so much fear and desperation in my life for well over five years and that is more than enough.

The mister and I are giddy with joy - not only because of this particular match possibility but also because we know we're doing everything in the most ethical way we can and we are doing everything we can to support this NPL, whatever decision she makes. We finally feel like our time will come, maybe in a couple of weeks, maybe later.

That doesn't mean we're looking forward to this Sunday, that most painful day for infertiles. We're having brunch will fellow travellers tomorrow because Sunday we'll be holed up at home. We are making great progress but there's no way we can go out on a day that is all about where we aren't.

We are however thinking about doing something for NPL. I'm fresh out of ideas so I open it up to you, the wise internets: should we do something to acknowledge Mother's Day for the NPL? If so, what? Is that just too weird?

Oh and for those of you interested in the menu from last week, thanks for asking and here ya go:

Antipasti (olives, nuts, hard cheese, bread)
Grilled Glazed Steak and Asparagus
Couscous with dates (usually do Israeli couscous but was out, so regular couscous with orange zest and orange juice replacing some of cooking liquid)
Warm Rhubarb Raspberry Compote with Greek Yogurt and Coconut Walnut  Crunch drizzled with Honey ( the pastry chef in me had to come out and play but just a little bit)

I was feeling very Springy so wanted the menu to reflect that. The lovely Accidental Housewife suggested having the mister grill (though we switched her fish idea to steak) so he'd have something to do and show off his culinary skills. That was a fabo idea.

Now back to those thoughts and ideas you were going to share with me...

Guess Who Came to Dinner?

I must apologize for not updating soon. I have been so touched by all the comments and emails I've received over the last few days. It's been such a whirlwind and the support and encouragement from y'all has meant a ton.

I promise to do a real update soon but I jetted off to SoCal very early Thursday morning for a conference. It's been a super packed schedule and this is the first quiet moment I've even had.

Dinner was great. Just great. There were a few awkward moments but mostly it was just a lot of great conversation and lots of "getting to know you" stuff. NPL's mom is amazing and wonderful, just as we'd suspected.

We did get the house pulled together. We didn't get the crib (that's another post) but did get oh-so-fabulous matching changing table. The nursery looked cute. The weeds were gone.

NPL had a few questions for us (and I hope she has more!) and they were good ones. She wanted to get a sense for why were were interested in a child of color and what are plans were to incorporate all of our children's heritage. She knows how painful it can be to be an African-American child in a (mostly) white family, especially in this country. I don't think any of us are naive and we do have plans and thoughts and are sensitive to at least knowing how much we need to learn and to know. But honestly, is that enough? Or would a family of color be a better option? I want her to have all kinds of options and choices and make the best choice for her child. (Of course, I also think that we'd be a great choice regardless).

Anyway there will be much more to come on all of that. Whatever happens with NPL, it's been great meeting her and her family.

Oh and it's a boy!

Just Another Manic Monday

Today was a Monday, through and through. It was a long hard day at work. I started at the butt crack of dawn, conducting a training over the internet. Then I sped to my job site where I tried to get caught up (I only worked a little over 1 day last week) but I was so very far behind.

Then the mister called and sent me into a tailspin. He talked to our consultant and she had a few requests. She wanted us to call NPL and invite her (and her family) to lunch or dinner this week. And give her a nicely bound copy of our homestudy. And our rushed imitation vanilla profile.

Oh and she said to have the nursery as complete as possible.

Nursery???? Has she not worked with infertiles for years and years? We don't have nurseries ready to go.

Luckily this infertile has spent much of the past five years obsessing over baby gear and knows exactly what she wants. We weren't quite ready to pull the trigger but the mister said we should do it.

Of course what I want is European and usually a special order. I called many local stores and got summarily shot down. Until I called the mostly online with a few stores place that makes you smile just to say their name.

"Why yes we do have that lovely modern crib in the finish you want at our warehouse that's a short drive from you."

That, my dears, was music to my ears. I scooted out of work early (after only working 9.5 hours) and I got my shopping on. I bought a crib, one sheet, a quilt, and elephant pillow and ordered a changing table. I was thisclose to adding my current favorite stroller to the mix but decided to restrain myself (and let the mister have some of the fun).

I also arranged for yard guy to do a spring clean-up of our weed garden. He knows we're going to be doing a real renovation soon but can get it from looking beyond mortifying to "ah, there's lots of potential there." As luck would have it, when I called him today he was visiting my neighbor three doors down and could fit us into his schedule.

The mister is taking off the next couple of days. We made a list of all that has to be done and it is one looooooong list.

We talked to NPL (and her mom!) and we're on for dinner Wednesday night. Did I mention I'm flying down south shortly after for a conference and long weekend? And I have to work late tomorrow night at the office?

Oh and we called our Agency and they had a copy of our homestudy ready for us tonight. We hadn't actually read it until now. It's really informative and I quite liked it. The mister will pretty it up tomorrow to give the NPL. I think it's great that the consultant gives the full homestudy to all NPLs. She's also working with the NPL on a set of questions to ask all the couples she's meeting so she can have as much info as possible.

Now I just need to get many things checked off the list and figure out what I am cooking for dinner.

The Whirlwind Continues

What an exhausting weekend! I am beyond drained, but in a really good way.

I had to rush to a volunteer meeting yesterday morning then hurry home and bake cupcakes. That's right, I had a couple of dozen cupcakes to bake for the adoption support group meeting. No pressure. We were just meeting a NPL. We'd heard "our competition" was a caterer. Talk about ironic.

For those of you interested in cupcake recipes, I did make Lemon Meyer with Lemon Cream Cheese frosting. The cake part was heavily based on Amy Sedaris's recipe, but was sorely lacking in humor. I also attempted chocolate sour cream cupcakes but let's just say they didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. Let's skip over how sunken and strangely crusty they were. I will say that baking was a perfect distraction for me and helped calm my nerves.

We got to meet the lovely NPL (and her dad as well) before the meeting and give her a ride. That gave us lots of good chatting time. The meeting itself was overwhelming. There were 3 very new babies there, one of their birth-mothers and birth-grandparents and two NPLs. It's more than a bit disconcerting how the NPLs get swarmed by the not-yet-matched folks. The mister and I don't roll like that, we just hang back and talk to other folks. There were many, many words. Way too many for the mister. It went on and on.

There was a bit of a showdown between the Pastry Chef and the Caterer. So far, I think it's a draw. She had some amazing shrimp and savory muffins, I had the lemon cupcakes. She was very nice but I will say I think I could take her. We Pastry Chefs have bigger blow torches and cooler tools. And frankly we're a bit scrappier. Just ask Duff.

We didn't get home until long after dark and had more work to do on our Vanilla Letter. We did some last night and some this morning then scurried off to brunch and a baseball game in the city. The home team is really struggling this year. I was wishing they'd call the game after the first couple of innings (it was already 8-0 by then) but managed to amuse myself with garlic fries and cotton candy.

When we got home the NPL called to check in with us. How sweet is that? She wanted to make sure she got a letter from us and just say hi. I think she's hoping to make a decision in a week or so. I'm not going to go into many more details but she did talk to us a lot on the ride home about why she wants to do an adoption plan. She has definitely thought a lot about this and I think she has some good reasons. I'm very grateful that she has a lot of support as well.

So we're finishing up our bits and just going with the flow for now, trying to stay as zen as possible. It's mostly working.

It's already Friday? Seriously?

Wowsers. What a week this turned out to be.

Shortly after my last post, I got sick. Sooooo sick. I coughed so hard Sunday night that I puked. I finally went to the doctor on Monday and she said it seemed like Whooping Cough which is strange because I was just vaccinated against that last year. She gave me some goooood drugs, including a lovely concoction of cough syrup and codeine. She also tried to talk me into the TB drug course that I turned down last year. We settled on 5 days of antibiotics. 180 days vs 5 days seemed like a no brainer.

It turned out to be a good time to be sick. The mister and I had so very much work to do in a very short time. Here's what we accomplished in a few short days:

• Met with the Associate and settled on time-line to get 3 months of work done in 10 days
• Quick phone meeting with graphic designer to discuss themes/colors/likes for Vanilla Letter and custom letterhead for Chocolate Letter
• Draft of Vanilla Letter
• Photos chosen for Vanilla Letter
• 800 number activated
• Website hosting arranged
• Hair cut and color (no gray roots for this  chick)
• New clothes and makeup
• Draft photo book of the mister and me from birth to now to share in the event of a match
• Photo shoot with the mister in a very scenic setting by a very accommodating photographer friend last night before she jetted off to Mexico
• New "signature" photo from said session that got thumbs up from everyone

Oh and a call from the consultant today to ask us to give the nice pregnant lady a ride to support group tomorrow. She lives close to us so it's easiest for us to pick her up and it'll give us a way to meet her and chat with her in a no pressure situation.

So I found myself thinking about this first conversation today with no time to prepare for it. The lovely Bebe reminded me that NPL was likely as nervous as I was and calmed my nerves a bit. Bebe and her husband were amazed that I'd talk to her today and meet her in less than 24 hours. Our profile (along with several others from a couple of local agencies) will be presented to her at the end of next week.

Tonight I found myself on the phone first with NPL's father (he was so very nice on the phone) and then a few minutes later with NPL herself. She was even lovelier. This is all so surreal. We were both eager to please and I know she made a fab impression on me. I hope I did as well.

The mister and I are so very excited to meet her tomorrow. The support group can be more than a little overwhelming, totally supportive and nice folks, but chaotic and loud and just a lot. If the weather is nice, we'll likely be outside. There will be a couple of brand new babies present and at least one birth-mother who's the same age as NPL.

I was asked to bring cupcakes so you know I'm all over that. I'm making Meyer Lemon with Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting and Chocolate with Chocolate Frosting. Or something like that. I have a nifty new cupcake carrier that will handle three dozen and keep them separated.

Now I just want to take a few lines to answer some recent questions.

Louise asked me to explain by what the consultant means by "you have to find your baby, I'll just do lots of other work." Our consultant prefers to be called a consultant, not a facilitator. She believes in extensive reading and education for all parties. She does not have any outreach services. She doesn't place any ads or really network to "find babies".  She encourages her clients to do their own networking and mailings to doctors, midwives, alternative high schools and other places so that people who do come into contact with NPLs can pass it along.

That being said, this consultant gets lots of referrals from professionals she's worked with in the past who know about her ethics and passion for open adoption. She works with NPLs separately from her prospective adoptive parents and teaches them to advocate for their wishes and needs. A lot of folks who are unhappy with how they or other NPLs are being treated find her on the 'net and her approach resonates with them. She runs her monthly support group for all members of the constellation and it really is such a supportive atmosphere. I haven't heard of other groups like this, at least locally. There are groups just for adoptive parents or families or NPLS but this is the only really inclusive one that I've come across.

Now let me explain the Chocolate Letter and the Vanilla Letter. The chocolate one is usually written first and is much longer, maybe 6-10 pages. It's much more personal and in-depth about each person (if it's a couple), your relationship, family, values, parenting approach and feelings about adoption. You write it first so you can go into detail and then you only share it with people once you've met them in person or on the phone.

The Vanilla Letter is shorter, maybe 4 pages, and more similar to "profiles" that you see everywhere. Ours will be 4 pages with a 2 page insert. Our consultant has very specific ideas about things she likes and doesn't like and I've got to say her client's Vanilla Letters do tend to stand out in a bunch. We're currently working with the letter specialist to tweak our draft and really make it tight. We also really want it to be "us" and not just another formulaic letter.

I think I've rambled on quite enough. I've got a big day ahead. This is all just so surreal.

I didn't know this was the TGV

So mere hours after we met with the adoption consultant, after she spent a lot of time telling us she didn't find babies ("you have to find your baby, I'll just do lots of other work"), she sent an email with her 4 page application.

And a note saying she'd just gotten a call from a therapist who had a 28 week nice pregnant lady who she was referring to the adoption consultant. Would this be a situation that would interest us?

Holy shit, Batman. Of course we're potentially interested!

We still don't know much more about this situation. We know that the consultant is also working with a nice pregnant lady from my home state. I was kinda hoping that would would work out. I'm not complaining if the one where the nice pregnant lady lives less than 10 miles away works out. Just not counting on it.

So today we drove back across the bay, past the maximum security prison with loads of famous inmates to the consultants house. We started going through our big binder. We turned in our 4 page application. We each finished our personal essays (yay for millie and the mister getting shit done) and copied a photo of the two of us we both like.  We were only there for 2.5 hours this time but got lots accomplished.

Now we start on our "chocolate" letter and meet with the consultant's associate in just a few days whose role is to  help with the letter writing (both "chocolate" and "vanilla" which I'll explain as we go do these but you know I love me some chocolate and vanilla), website (which we might not need), the photo album and all that stuff.

Our goal is to get a good letter by next Saturday. That's the next time the support group meets and the nice pregnant lady from down the street (and perhaps her mom and dad) will likely be there and we'll all get to meet.

Oh and today the consultant said the nice pregnant lady was due in 10 weeks. I don't know how 2 weeks passed in three days but good grief. 10 weeks? For real?

(Don't worry. We're just going with the flow. Who knows if she'll even pick us. We do know her primary qualifications at this point are a married couple who'll love her baby a lot. And that is totally us).

It seriously feels like we're on a bullet train but that is a-okay with us.

I didn't know this was the TGV

So mere hours after we met with the adoption consultant, after she spent a lot of time telling us she didn't find babies ("you have to find your baby, I'll just do lots of other work"), she sent an email with her 4 page application.

And a note saying she'd just gotten a call from a therapist who had a 28 week nice pregnant lady who she was referring to the adoption consultant. Would this be a situation that would interest us?

Holy shit, Batman. Of course we're potentially interested!

We still don't know much more about this situation. We know that the consultant is also working with a nice pregnant lady from my home state. I was kinda hoping that would would work out. I'm not complaining if the one where the nice pregnant lady lives less than 10 miles away works out. Just not counting on it.

So today we drove back across the bay, past the maximum security prison with loads of famous inmates to the consultants house. We started going through our big binder. We turned in our 4 page application. We each finished our personal essays (yay for millie and the mister getting shit done) and copied a photo of the two of us we both like.  We were only there for 2.5 hours this time but got lots accomplished.

Now we start on our "chocolate" letter and meet with the consultant's associate in just a few days whose role is to  help with the letter writing (both "chocolate" and "vanilla" which I'll explain as we go do these but you know I love me some chocolate and vanilla), website (which we might not need), the photo album and all that stuff.

Our goal is to get a good letter by next Saturday. That's the next time the support group meets and the nice pregnant lady from down the street (and perhaps her mom and dad) will likely be there and we'll all get to meet.

Oh and today the consultant said the nice pregnant lady was due in 10 weeks. I don't know how 2 weeks passed in three days but good grief. 10 weeks? For real?

(Don't worry. We're just going with the flow. Who knows if she'll even pick us. We do know her primary qualifications at this point are a married couple who'll love her baby a lot. And that is totally us).

It seriously feels like we're on a bullet train but that is a-okay with us.

Afternoon in the Garden

Today was our meeting with the very nice adoption lady. We'd allotted two hours in the middle of the afternoon. We were with her for 3.5 hours and the time flew.

The mister is back at work and I'm still processing all of it. She definitely passed our test and I guess we passed hers because she's sending us an application and we'll meet with her again on Sunday for several hours.

Her service involves an intensive educational focus both for expectant parents/families and prospective adoptive parents. Before our next meeting, we have to fill out her 4 page application and each write a 2 page personal essay (for her eyes only) so she can get to know us better. She has copies of the autobiographical questions we completed for our home-study and a copy of our home-study as well.

At the next meeting, she'll give us a thick binder full of additional articles as well as a checklist and a time-line. We'll work with her colleague on our "vanilla" letter (a short, one page letter to be sent as part of a mailing), then our "chocolate" version (a much longer profile) as well as our website.

Our consultant isn't in the baby-finding business. She doesn't just get referrals and pass them on. She doesn't advertise or do any of the other scarier practices that skeeve me out.

She does, however, get a fair number of referrals from folks that find her on the internet or know of her reputation. She works with expectant mothers and educates them as well. She sends them books and articles and videos. She invites them and their parents/families/significant others to the monthly support group meetings. She treats them with respect and consideration, no matter their age She frequently counsels pregnant women to keep their baby. She involves the expectant father from the beginning as well. She includes the grandparents, siblings, etc. It was at her house that we first heard "adoption constellation" and that just resonated with us.

She is passionate about open adoption and that's the only kind she does.  She's known for being one of the most ethical people in the adoption community and leads ethic workshops at national conferences. Many of her clients end up working with her after being burned by other situations, agencies or facilitators. She vets any potential matches and does risk assessment to ferret out potential scams or other red flags. Many pregnant women end up working with her because unlike the other adoption professionals, she listens to them and their choices. She educates them so they can feel comfortable that the people they match with are fully disclosing and will follow through with them.

We didn't ask for references like Trace and others mentioned. But that's only because we already had multiple references from friends from other boards, our adoption agency, our reproductive rights attorneys and several other folks we met separately at conferences. We checked out her support group back in January and really liked the folks we met. There were also several birth parents and birth grandparents there who spoke highly of her. Many of her clients have used her services for multiple adoptions. Many of the birth parents and grandparents also refer people to her.

She also makes sure to find qualified true therapists to provide counseling for the expectant mothers. That's something that is really important to me. She says that only 3 agencies actually provide therapeutic counseling, the rest just provide advice around paperwork.

It is incredibly rare that prospective adoptive parents go to the hospital and don't end up parenting that baby (less than once per year). I think that's likely due to all the education and openness from the beginning. If a match doesn't work out, it typically happens earlier and there is usually little to no money involved. She's very resourceful at finding the best way to work with other agencies or lawyers to handle the necessary paperwork.

I'm sure we have a lot of hard work in our near future but the mister and I are very excited. We're optimistic and hopeful and just oh so ready to be jumping on this train.

Oh, wanna know what clinched us in her eyes? I'm pretty sure it was the reading list we compiled of adoption books we've already read. With a nice legend for what I'd read, what the mister and I had both read, what is currently on our nightstand awaiting it's turn and what's on my wishlist. She asked to keep a copy of it for her files.

All Aboard the A Train

After a few rounds of emails and some patient waiting (not to mention a great deal of  impatient waiting) on our parts, the mister and I are meeting with the adoption consultant tomorrow.

For two hours! That is going to be an awful lot of words. How will the mister deal with it?

I was getting a bit frustrated with how long it was taking just to get this appointment. But then she said this in her last email:

Your home study did come and I have read it – very impressive  accomplishments!

So I think she's going to like us and I hope she'll think will be a good fit for her services. I'm not thrilled about having a meeting where we might need to write a big check just after we sent several big checks to our lovely state capitol and dear ol' Uncle Sam.* I think we can come up with the dough in a timely manner.

Do you think we should tell her we nearly showed up on her doorstep last week? We drove out to one of our favorite beaches with the dogs on Sunday and drove right by her house.

 Anyway, back to the meeting. She wants us to come with a long list of questions. I only have a couple:

• How soon can you help us find a match?
• What do we need to do to match quickly?

We did a lot of research and we know a lot about her services so I'm pretty comfortable with that. She's known for being super-ethical so I don't have many worries there (though that is one of my biggest worries regarding adoption in general).

Help me internets, what should I add to my list of questions?

*Yes we really did drive to the main post office to mail our checks last night at 10:45. We had more than an hour to spare. Why was the mister so worried?